I just sit here and stare at the computer. Or, I stare at the ever-growing stacks of articles. Or, I lie down. Or, whatever else. Anything to not work. I've discovered the key: remain mindful, break it down into component parts, and think of each piece as a short paper. Chpater are big. Dissertations are bigger. I need to change my mindset so that I only see the small parts. And then later I can piece them together. Focus. Focus. Stay on task. Get it done. D is for Done. Do it. Just do it. Get 'er done. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

This John Edwards love child story makes me so sad. I really thought he was better than that. The evidence is mounting--I hope it's not true, but it looks truer and truer. Poor Elizabeth.

Rejection

I found out today that I did not get a big scholarship I applied for. I found out last week that I did not get a much smaller award that I had been nominated for. I am fascinated by the effect this sort of rejection has on my mood and on my thought process. It makes me feel rather sad, and it makes me remember other similar rejections--for example, running for office last year in a national organization and losing the election. My mind even wanders into thoughts of being dumped. In these moments I forget all of my successes, I forget things that have gone well--the mind sits in the muck of rejection and stays there, unwilling to move, bathing in the maelstrom of past failures and recent rejections.

There are a number of choices at points like these--a. continue ruminating and leading myself down that depressogenic path, b. purposefully changing the content of my thoughts to focus on the good things, the award I got for which I did not even apply, the election I did win, c. sit with the thoughts and the hurt and watch them, step back from them and examine them as I am doing here, and allow myself to feel whatever reactions arise, or d. translate them into further motivation to prove them wrong, to make them regret not recognizing me, and into pushing myself ever harder to succeed via narcissistic ego expansion.

Some of these options are healthier than others. I wish I didn't feel the need to enact option d., but that is probably the one that will prevail in a FTW type attitude.

oh well. I will sit with the sadness for now.

In my own world, I would make the following change:

If you are a business, and you have little signs saying that you accept Mastercard and Visa, you had better accept them! If your machine is broken, it is not my fault. Your machine should not be broken. If the machine is broken, take down or cover up your signs that say you accept cards. If I am purchasing a good or service from you, and I get to the register only to be told that your machine is down, it is your responsibility to give me the good or service for free. There are people, like me, who do not carry cash. It's not my responsibility to go to an ATM to get cash if you are advertising acceptance of plastic. Your loss, my free product or service.

That's the change I'd make.

Oh, and apparently my #1 Jim Webb has removed himself from the Veepstakes. Sad. Further, apparently John Edwards has changed his stance and allowed himself to be included. So, he is now my #1. He doesn't add foreign policy experience, which Obama needs, but I love the guy, so he's my choice.

1. Edwards
2. Biden
3. Schweitzer
4. Sebelius
5. Hagel
6. Rendell

I would really really hate it if Sam Nunn were selected. Really.